One thing is certain. For a guy who is my age and of sound mind and body I am not right.
Right is that functional place between left over and passed on. Right is good. Right is the Bible. Right is the serpent going into the Garden of Eden. Right is perfect. That is what I am not.
This past year on March 11, 2011 Japan had a 9.0 earthquake. This past week I finished reading Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake. At the end of Chapter 3 Kurt Vonnegut writes: “All I had to do was deliver a message he (Andrei Sakhorov) had sent. This was it 'Don't give up on nuclear energy.' I spoke like a robot.”
The last time I read a Kurt Vonnegut book was in 1993 before last week. So be it.
Another thing is certain to me. I used to watch the news everyday until a few days after the Japanese earthquake. Libya was the topping on the cake. Most recently the shit-pile has been fed by the impending government shut-down or half-shutdown or what-the-fuck...
In 1995 I was at Fort Sill, OK I was just entering the Reception Battalion when our government did shut down. I was going to school there to become an Army soldier for the Virginia Army National Guard. I was in the 29th Infantry Division (Lt). I was also going to school there to become a forward observer.
There was a delay in my going to training. One week delay. We had to find things to do. The drill sergeant decided that I should cut the grass. I was shown the shed where a brand new Craftsman Lawnmower presented itself. It was a beautiful red and shiny mower. I checked the gas. We had fuel. I checked the oil. The reservoir was dry.
I said to the drill sergeant, “Do we have any oil?”
“Nope.” was his reply.
I looked at him with a respectful wordless “and?”
He said, “Just run the damn thing until it stops.”
I cut the grass all around the reception battalion and the mower never stopped until I parked it near the shed. I was finished. The mower did its job.
A week later I was in boot-camp.
You can't write about a fucked-up world until you have lived in it. Nothing is right or perfect. We just move about pretending that we have goals, task and achievements. Some of us are lucky enough to overcome obstacles and survive.
I was married to my first wife then. The reason I joined the Army National Guard was because we were having a baby and I wanted to have benefits so that the baby would have health-care. Now I am divorced and re-married. The last time I saw my daughter she was four. Now she is 15 years old. I think that that is a very crappy thing.
I have since made any number you could conjure of mistakes, misgivings and misanthropic toils. I hate losing. I hate it very much. I accept that I have lost a great pissing contest. Many of us have.
I am forty-one years old. I was twenty-five when I was at Fort-Sill, OK.
I could be very angry about a lot of things but I am not. Why should I be? What good does it do anyone? So much bad news is about the angry idiots who have power. With natural disaster there is not much we can do angry or of cool heels. Otherwise there is mindless contribution to the problems we face.
So I am not right. I am not perfect. I am just a guy who has access to some resources. I am a struggling blade of grass. I think I will go back to bed now and get close to my wife. She loves me. She has given me a daughter, a son, two granddaughters and a home and a healthy life. I can thank her ex-husband for the progeny. I do thank him. I can be thankful for so many of the great parts of life that have presented themselves to me.
Tonight some people will loose loved ones. Tonight someone will die. Tonight some drunk will kill. Tonight a soldier will die. Tonight a sea turtle will gulp oil and choke to death. Tonight a baby will fart. It's just like that.