Freedom of Nakedness
25. Sept. 2018
For the first time in 4 years I walked around my apartment NAKED!!
It's so freeing. I didn't even realize it was happening. I just undressed, pointed to my reflection in the mirror, said: "yes, bitch." I flipped my dirty hair and strutted to the shower.
It wasn't until I was nearing the end of my shower I realized I have not been comfortable in my body for four years.
For four years, if I got undressed or even thought about my body, and saw my reflection I could hear his words in my head. "Fat bitch", "Slut", "Piece of shit", "Fat whore", "Fat", "Fat", "FAT". I heard it from him so much, was compared to so many other women based on my physical appearance, it sunk into my mind, got stuck, and I believed it. And instead of facing it, I just avoided looking at myself.
I've tried to look in the mirror and compliment parts of my body. "Damn girl, them spaghetti arms are starting to show muscle." or "Yes, bitch, your thighs are perfect!" But then I could hear his voice , "your arms are too big", "why don't you have a thigh gap?!", "why are your boobs getting smaller??" It would just go on and on and get so overwhelming my Mirror Time wouldn't even last 5 minutes. My entire day would be ruined.
I've always been small. I have a small body. I'm 5'1" hundred and something pounds. The only big parts I have are my boobs. They are too big for my liking. Actually I hate them. If I could be a solid B, I'd do it. When I work out, my thighs naturally get bigger. And my chest gets smaller (not a B smaller though so fuck working out).
When we were together I worked out every day. I ran. I lifted. I gymed. I dieted. And by dieted I mean I was always hungry. Healthy eating is not for me. He would make snarky comments, "Good god, really? You're running tonight right?" If I ever went back for seconds after I just made a bomb ass dinner. I ate smaller portions because I just couldn't take the comments. Sometimes, when I just couldn't take it, I'd put on my gym clothes and say, "I'm going to the gym!!!" Then I would go to Watermans and get a burger, fries, a side of extra fries and 3 orange crushes. Without knowing it, that was my way of trying to hold on to my sense of self.
But I didn't have my secret burger dates enough. I gave up. I went pescatarian. And then I lost too much weight. I got down to 100lbs. And it still wasn't good enough. It was never good enough. It never would be.
But tonight was my night. My night of empowerment in all my naked glory. Of course there's things I'd like to change, who doesn't? But tonight when I looked in the mirror his voice didn't take hold of me, it didn't dwell in my mind. Shit, I'm still naked while I write this. I feel amazing. Because he doesn't have all the power. Tonight, that went out the window when my newly found self esteem stepped through the door.
|PANIC ATTACK PAINTS - "FREEDOM OF NAKEDNESS"|
Cate Major sharing the importance of realizing self worth and body confidence.
© Cate Major / OgFOMK ArTS - 2018 All Rights Reserved. - PANIC ATTACK PAINTS - "FREEDOM OF NAKEDNESS"
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